Helping oneself or not doing it alone?

One of the biggest obstacles I've encountered during my years of depression and struggling trying to get better, is the commonly heard (mixed) message which tells the depressed person that on one hand they have to "Help Themselves", while at the same time "Don't Try Doing It On Your Own".

Well which is it?

As is with most things, both have some validity, and both have their limits. Some things the person will achieve on their own, others (accomplishments) with outside help.

The problem with telling someone they have to "Help Themselves" is that it literally leaves them out in the cold to do what (until now) they've not been very successful at(!)

Being specific about what they can do for/by themselves is key or they won't know where to start.

As for "Don't Try Doing It On Your Own", that is too often pseudo-sympathy. I was often told to "Not Try By Myself", but the same people who professed those words never offered help or even suggestions.

Unfortunately for those struggling with depression, our disease has often isolated us from others.

Ideally, you do have people close to you, who are trustworthy, caring, and courageous enough to help you through the struggles of the first steps out of depression.

For those who don't, and yes IT IS THE MAJORITY, there is hope. YOU have the courage and strength to make the first step ON YOUR OWN. Call your local mental health center, call or see a doctor, confide in a friend, read up on depression, write in a journal, go for a walk.

It may seem too simple, even useless at the time, but if you do something SPECIFICALLY TO COMBAT YOUR DEPRESSION, you are helping yourself.

Depression is never totally beaten, it always lurks in our minds and bodies. It takes weeks, months, usually years to get a grasp of how to cope with it, each one of us has unique ways of doing so.

So next time someone tells you you need to "Help Yourself", or to "Not Go At It Alone", take it for what it (probably) is; They sympathize, but are not interested in getting involved. And when someone offers help (even if it's just shooting the shit over a cup of coffee), accept graciously.

Ignorance is not humility

I saw an interview recently with a retired politician who was being asked about current political issues, specifically the environment and what could be done about it at the government level. He answered (in an un-politician way) "I don't know". One of the panelists congratulated him for his humility, saying that we too rarely hear active politicians admit ignorance.

In this sense,"ignorance" (IE. Ignoring something) and "Humility" (IE. Openly acknowledging one's ignorance) are related.

I'm referring to a more sinister use of language in which people prefer ignoring a situation, and present this ignorance as humility.

It is said over and over again about mental illness that "I haven't had it, so I don't know", when in reality the person is saying "I don't want to know".

Presenting one's ignorance about mental illness as a sign of humility makes it much more acceptable, but truth is they are choosing to remain ignorant, which is anything but humble, it's lazy.

The truly humble person (like the former politician) is one who seeks to educate themselves on what they are ignorant about.

If I ignore what diabetes is all about, how it develops, who's at risk, what it's like to live with and so on. Even admit that ignorance publicly, that doesn't make me humble, it simply makes me ignorant.

The person who educates themselves about the disease is the one showing humility.

Reality? Not mine.

I've been reading recently different articles and opinions on why "reality television" is as popular as it is.

To my surprise, all writers claim that people watch "reality" shows because they either relate to the participants (think Susan Boyle), see "common people"s troubles magnified (Jon & Kate Plus Eight), or (and this is the most convoluted) enjoy watching celebrities make morons of themselves (Simple Life).

Why this culture is so fascinated with celebrity is still a bit of a mystery to me, but anyone who gets a chuckle out of Paris Hilton ewwwwwwwwwww'ing at the sight of cow manure, or Jose Canseco cage fighting is the being being laughed at.

These celebrity shows and events are targeted at making the audience believe that acting like a jackass equals stardom. They conveniently omit to say that these celebrities became celebrities despite this behaviour, not because of it.

So when I read and hear that viewers feel better about themselves because of these celebrities failures, I can't help but think that's exactly what they (the celebrities) want.

The viewer who watches a "Reality" show where someone makes a total idiot of themselves may be tricked in believing they are "better". But the next day, at the office discussing the show with the colleagues, not knowing if they'll be employed next year, next month, or next week, having to make sure the mortgage is paid, the fridge is full, and the kids are well taken care of, that is REALITY.

That same following day, the celebrities get limousine-driven across town, get wined and dined BY OTHERS, and nanny takes care of the kids. THAT is their reality.

The blues

We all utilize the word "blues" to define a depressed mood, and music known as "the blues" is known for it's melancholic nature and awesome musicianship with is often produced by solo artists.

One of my favorite musicians is Eric Clapton, I always appreciated his guitar playing, melancholic lyrics (who doesn't get choked up by "Tears In Heaven"?), and related to some of the difficulties he has overcome (substance abuse, depression, broken relationships). Too bad I never became a rock star!!!

Clapton has always made his blues influence known in song and when discussing music. Several of his hits are remakes of classic blues tunes from such notables as Robert Johnson, J.J. Cale, Buddy Guy, and B.B. King.

While You Tubing earlier, I listened to "San Francisco Bay Blues", a song Clapton used on his 1992 album "Unplugged". I knew it was a remake of an old blues tune, but never took the time to research it's origin until today.You Tube offered a "Peter, Paul, & Mary" version of "San Francisco Bay Blues", and I decided to put it on to see how different it would be than Clapton's.

Peter, Paul, & Mary offer a brief intro to the song which is a lovely tribute to Jesse Fuller who originally wrote the song.

The reason I explain all this is that the introduction to Jesse Fuller, a blues man, is one of the most accurate definitions of depression I've ever heard, yet it was not intended as such at all.

Jesse Fuller is presented as a "One man show" who wrote excruciating sad lyrics, but didn't want to sadden people so he put them to beautiful catchy melodies.

Depression for me has always felt like a "One man show", it's "MY" depression, it makes me brutally sad on the inside, but not wanting to sadden others, I put my sadness to a "beautiful melody". "Yes I feel like this, but....", "It's sad now, but..."

I don't know if Jesse Fuller was depressed, but a "one man show" (loneliness, isolation), sad lyrics (emotions, feelings), sharing his feelings with the public in an "acceptable" way that won't make others uncomfortable. That sounds familiar.

As mentioned earlier, blues music is known for it's melancholic mood, and people often refer to that music as one they listen to when sad. Maybe there's more to why that is than some commonly accepted belief.

Here's the link to the Peter, Paul, & Mary version of "San Francisco Bay Blues"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i59pvOVcwXw&feature=related

Don't tell me I'm smart, dumb, self-aware, ignorant...

A common misconception about depression is that people who have it, or at least while they're going through it are just not intelligent (even if for that period).

In some of my deepest moments of depression, I have been told "oh you're smarter than that". Because I had lost a job, broken a relationship, or just acted "strangely", I was simply "being stupid" or "acting out".

In one of my most recent deep depressive episodes, I was in a counselor's office and told her bluntly "don't tell me I'm smart or self-aware, because if I were so f***ing smart and self-aware, I wouldn't be here!!"

One of the beefs I've had with people's take on depression is that they ignore (purposely or not is debatable) the fact that depression is an illness just like diabetes and epilepsy. The conversation often turns to the person's intelligence, self-awareness, or laziness.

The person going through a depressive episode is not any dumber nor smarter than before, their self-awareness hasn't magically disappeared or appeared. They may have less energy, but they are not any lazier than they might have been previously.

Having suffered several depressive episodes of different magnitude, including one very recently, I'm not smarter now for having overcome it, just like I wasn't stupid while it was happening.

My intelligence, self-awareness, work ethic have nothing to do with my depression. My depression is an illness that can affect several aspects of my life which may lead to behaviours which are not smart, lead to actions I do not think out enough before doing, may sap energy from me. But that is the depression.

Do I have responsibility regarding those actions and behaviours, of course I do. The depression didn't act inappropriately, I did. So the responsibility lies on me.

But the responsibility of understanding what lead to those behaviours lies on the shoulders of everyone else.

Either we treat depressed people as sometimes intelligent and sometimes dumb, or we look ourselves in the mirror and recognize that ignorance is never intelligent.

Men and disclosure

I hit on this a bit yesterday, but I feel I need to clear a few things up.

Traditional gender-role defines men as protectors and providers, so men seeking help for psychological distress is counter intuitive.

Our modern world has made positive strides in un-stereotyping gender-roles, but the idea of the male as being strong, healthy, and self-reliant still remains.

Males disclose less (than women) because it goes against our nature, and society does not truly embrace it. At best it is tolerated.

On a deeper level, as a species can we accept our defenders and protectors being prone to psychological impairment?

In the mind of the depressive

I am often asked what does it feel to be depressed, how does a depressed person think, what is it like in the mind of the depressive.

Here's a sample of how depression acts in my mind.

Hearing about the "successes" of people who have had depression (or other mental illnesses) such as Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, or (mathematician) John Nash does not help. The depressed person wants to know how to cope with their depression, not what they haven't (and more than likely never will!!!) achieved.

Telling the depressed person not to wait until it's "too late" is (to the depressed person) totally selfish. "Too late" for who exactly? Just because a person hasn't attempted or threatened anything drastic doesn't mean it's not "too late" in their mind.

In my deepest depressive moments, when I'd hear "don't wait until it's too late", I'd reply (in my mind) "why the F*** are YOU waiting until it's too late?"

The depressed mind can be angry, but also very wise and logical.

Specifically regarding men, the man doesn't want to hear the broken record (because that's what it is) of "you never say anything", he wants to hear "I'm listening".

Still in reference to men, they are often criticized for not disclosing ailments, especially psychological. Before criticizing men for lack of disclosure, do we ever question ourselves as to whether we would be comfortable with men openly suffering? Isn't the disclosure of psychological weakness by a male a show of strength precisely because it is the exception? Are we truly proud of those who disclose? Think of the families who have more than one male with mental illness, do we revere them for openness, or rather pity them, and in worse case scenarios mock them?

Several of these thoughts / beliefs are bleak, and uncomfortable to read. Unfortunately they are true in the mind of the depressed person.

Only by understanding and accepting these cognitive differences can we slowly eliminate the stigma.