In mentioned in my December 11th entry golfer John Daly and how people stuck by him when he was doing well, but wanted nothing to do with him when he was going through hard times. Well today on the news, he announced that he had been suspended for 6 months by the PGA and he felt it was a just suspension. The only thing the PGA said was that they would not comment as it has always been their policy not to comment on fines and suspensions. Daly being one of the better known golfers (for good or bad), the PGA had the responsibility to announce it, even if just to explain Daly’s non appearance in tournaments over the next 6 months.
Would I’d like to know, is what is the PGA doing to help Mr. Daly, or are they simply sending him to his room to “think about it”, and come back in 6 months when he’s ok?
Shame on you PGA.
Within the depressed community, we have to change our language, and I’m not talking about the therapeutic idea of “changing ones thinking”, but stop talking about depression in a shameful way. Also, propagating the idea that “only we understand it because we live it” only enables the belief that it’s all about us and gives the outside world a free pass.
You want to stop a stigma? Stop talking about stigma.
The stigma of depression only makes things comfortable for everyone. Us sufferers only share among ourselves and our therapists which is very comfortable. Non-sufferers don’t have to discuss it which is comfortable for them.
Lets all be adults, and step out of our comfort zone.
Men are expected to show vulnerability, except when they are vulnerable.
The physical and physiological part of depression is just a small part of the disease. The social aspect is just as (if not more) significant, yet not addressed nearly enough.
That’s why giving the same treatment to all depression sufferers (increasing serotonin levels, helping thought patterns, and getting back to functionality) is just (in my opinion) about 30% of treatment. Finding a passion, a purpose, a sense of belonging, improve self-esteem, self-love. These things are too rarely addressed in traditional therapy. As much as these are continuously evolving, once they are established, it make the depressed person more confident (rather obvious), will actually make them more humble as they will feel they belong to a group / society which is bigger than them and they will in turn see the uniqueness in others (IE. That we’re not all just cogs in the wheel, that everyone brings something).
When it comes to propensity of depression, we still hear than “woman are more susceptible than men”. I have mentioned how I disagree with this, and here’s a statistic I would like bring about.
Men commit suicide 4 times more often than women.
Two thirds of all suicides are committed by people suffering some sort of depression.
I’m not great at math, but by my calculations, for each 100 suicides, 80 are men, and 20 are women, and 67 are by people suffering some form of depression.
Depression is a much more fatal disease in men.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
My Story
I remember being depressed as far back as my teenage years. Obviously, this is hindsight, but locking myself in my bedroom listening to music and reading sports scores while not giving school work even the slightest thought was more than common teenage rebellion.
For the longest time I believed I would always be “all right”, that somehow things out of my control would always be there to keep me in “liveable circumstances”.
I believed that living a “normal/average/common” pedestrian life of “waking up, going to work, have dinner, take a dump, sleep and repeat” would be sufficient to lead to happiness. What I didn’t recognize was that I was extremely unhappy, so just aiming at keeping the same life would never change my happiness level.
So I did try living the “normal” life, had a girlfriend, rented an apartment, had a 9-5 middle management job, bought a car, had credit cards. I came off as a good guy with a good life. Reality is that I was miserable, but couldn’t even see it. I started drinking daily, my girlfriend left (to which I used to joke that if I could leave myself I would), missed worked regularly, but didn’t care about anything. That’s not quite true, I cared about how I was perceived. The “good guy with the normal life” is who I had to be. If I was unhappy or had problems it was up to me to solve them, because people are not interested in others’ problems, and admitting difficulties is whiny and needy.
So through the years, I bounced from job to job, apartment to apartment, even when back to live at home (which I actually patted myself on the back for being “strong enough” to do it). Living with my parents gave me the same sense of comfort I grew up with that despite everything, my circumstances would always be “liveable”.
Back on my own, the revolving door of bouncing from job to job, apartment to apartment continued, I drank more, lost relationships as quickly as I made them.
My frustration against the world I kept to myself (can’t be whiny), but my feelings were “my life is a fucking mess, people must know that I’m not living “normally” but they prefer thinking I am.”
My quandary was that I couldn’t express my misery (barely admitted it to myself) because that was “whiny” and admitting I wasn’t “normal”, yet at the same time I was miserable to the point of not seeing the point of living. But, get this, doing anything rash about it would not be “normal” either!!!
So I had to live with something I couldn’t bare, and was not allowed to express!!
Now several years later, more jobs, living arrangements and screwed up relationships, I’m much better. Thanks to great help as well as decisions I took to stop drinking, and take care of my overall health.
As for the “normal” life, FUCK THAT, my life is anything but normal, but I’m actually happier than I have been in a long time.
To those of you who may relate to some of this, I did leave a lot of details out. Not in order to make it a feel good story, but because some of it is still very painful. We don’t have to put every single detail out there, but it is important to recognize our unhappiness with our lives.
I don’t have any secret formula for how I got to feel better, but what has (and still does) help(ed) me is a genuine un-concern for others opinion of me. In fact, I sometimes even revel in the fact that I live on a daily basis shit that most “normal” people are too scared to even think about.
For the longest time I believed I would always be “all right”, that somehow things out of my control would always be there to keep me in “liveable circumstances”.
I believed that living a “normal/average/common” pedestrian life of “waking up, going to work, have dinner, take a dump, sleep and repeat” would be sufficient to lead to happiness. What I didn’t recognize was that I was extremely unhappy, so just aiming at keeping the same life would never change my happiness level.
So I did try living the “normal” life, had a girlfriend, rented an apartment, had a 9-5 middle management job, bought a car, had credit cards. I came off as a good guy with a good life. Reality is that I was miserable, but couldn’t even see it. I started drinking daily, my girlfriend left (to which I used to joke that if I could leave myself I would), missed worked regularly, but didn’t care about anything. That’s not quite true, I cared about how I was perceived. The “good guy with the normal life” is who I had to be. If I was unhappy or had problems it was up to me to solve them, because people are not interested in others’ problems, and admitting difficulties is whiny and needy.
So through the years, I bounced from job to job, apartment to apartment, even when back to live at home (which I actually patted myself on the back for being “strong enough” to do it). Living with my parents gave me the same sense of comfort I grew up with that despite everything, my circumstances would always be “liveable”.
Back on my own, the revolving door of bouncing from job to job, apartment to apartment continued, I drank more, lost relationships as quickly as I made them.
My frustration against the world I kept to myself (can’t be whiny), but my feelings were “my life is a fucking mess, people must know that I’m not living “normally” but they prefer thinking I am.”
My quandary was that I couldn’t express my misery (barely admitted it to myself) because that was “whiny” and admitting I wasn’t “normal”, yet at the same time I was miserable to the point of not seeing the point of living. But, get this, doing anything rash about it would not be “normal” either!!!
So I had to live with something I couldn’t bare, and was not allowed to express!!
Now several years later, more jobs, living arrangements and screwed up relationships, I’m much better. Thanks to great help as well as decisions I took to stop drinking, and take care of my overall health.
As for the “normal” life, FUCK THAT, my life is anything but normal, but I’m actually happier than I have been in a long time.
To those of you who may relate to some of this, I did leave a lot of details out. Not in order to make it a feel good story, but because some of it is still very painful. We don’t have to put every single detail out there, but it is important to recognize our unhappiness with our lives.
I don’t have any secret formula for how I got to feel better, but what has (and still does) help(ed) me is a genuine un-concern for others opinion of me. In fact, I sometimes even revel in the fact that I live on a daily basis shit that most “normal” people are too scared to even think about.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
December 23rd 2008
Today was a great day!! Got up at 8AM went out for a short run on a cold, snowy morning with snow-filled and icy sidewalks. It was invigorating and felt awesome. Came back home, did a few chores, and went back out for a nice long walk in downtown Vancouver, through Stanley Park and took a few pictures (See my Facebook page).
I learned a great lesson today. My circumstances were not really any different than yesterday, tomorrow they’ll likely be very similar again. Today I felt good, and it was easy to get up, go running, make productive decisions. Several factors helped that, some I can control (good night’s sleep, eat well), others I don’t control (the bright sunshine this morning was a great motivator to go outside).
The lesson for me is that I only control part of my mood. That the part I don’t control will sometimes be crappy, other times good. When it’s crappy, to go ahead, at least, with what I do control (not let myself get overwhelmed by that which I don’t control), and when it’s good, to recognize that and appreciate that I am only partly responsible.
I learned a great lesson today. My circumstances were not really any different than yesterday, tomorrow they’ll likely be very similar again. Today I felt good, and it was easy to get up, go running, make productive decisions. Several factors helped that, some I can control (good night’s sleep, eat well), others I don’t control (the bright sunshine this morning was a great motivator to go outside).
The lesson for me is that I only control part of my mood. That the part I don’t control will sometimes be crappy, other times good. When it’s crappy, to go ahead, at least, with what I do control (not let myself get overwhelmed by that which I don’t control), and when it’s good, to recognize that and appreciate that I am only partly responsible.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Thoughts
December 21st 2008
There are so many examples of how hegemonic masculine norms help justify ignoring mental illness.
I’ve said this so often I sound like a broken record, but until it’s heard and understood I won’t stop saying it.
Mental illness (Depression, Bipolar, Schizophrenia…) are the only medical conditions which non-sufferers can justify not believing through ignorance (the old “I haven’t had it so I don’t know”).
Men are defined as such (IE. “MEN”) only AFTER they have “succeeded” (IE. Made money), or show some physical “toughness”.
What do we (as a society) generally say of Ernest Hemingway, Hunter Thompson, Kurt Cobain, Dédé Fortin? They were brilliant artists, expressed themselves (in different ways) through their art. What do we do to make their existence worthwhile? We buy books and records!!! When will we accept that they were troubled, inherently sad, and that by our accepted standards of “manhood”, they were WEAK?
What do we say about men like Ted Turner, Pierre Péladeau, and Howard Hughes? What great businessmen they are / were. We also call them “eccentric” which is a nice way of saying they’re “crazy”, but since they’re “successful” (IE. Have lots of money), and aren’t a “burden”, we are right in doing nothing.
This afternoon I was walking along Davie St. in Vancouver, among the people there was this fellow who stood out in the crowd as he was saying out loud “people are so nice” in an aggressive and sarcastic way. He was basically saying the same thing I have thought for a long time (and am saying here!!!) but coming from “someone like him” it’s seen as rambling. The exact same thing said by someone with letters at the end of their name, or who has “succeeded” (by societies hegemonic masculine norms) would be welcome as a great new way of thinking, and a new way of explaining mental illness.
Fear is often given as justification for the ignorance of mental illness. If people are so “fearful” of mental illness, where did their strength and toughness go?
Don’t ask why depressed people don’t “snap out of it”
Ask what you can do to help them.
Depression is a very lonely existence. That’s way getting involved is so important.
People have said that I am purposely contrarian, but that’s not true. I just see the world differently.
The help currently available for Depressive men is definitely lacking. The only role “recovery” plays is getting a man back to “functionality” (IE. Work, pay his bills, and no longer be a burden). In other words, “Be like the rest of us (a consumer) and shut up”.
Despite (not because of) having gone through the hell of Depressive, I’m more interested in helping depressives than anything else.
There are so many examples of how hegemonic masculine norms help justify ignoring mental illness.
I’ve said this so often I sound like a broken record, but until it’s heard and understood I won’t stop saying it.
Mental illness (Depression, Bipolar, Schizophrenia…) are the only medical conditions which non-sufferers can justify not believing through ignorance (the old “I haven’t had it so I don’t know”).
Men are defined as such (IE. “MEN”) only AFTER they have “succeeded” (IE. Made money), or show some physical “toughness”.
What do we (as a society) generally say of Ernest Hemingway, Hunter Thompson, Kurt Cobain, Dédé Fortin? They were brilliant artists, expressed themselves (in different ways) through their art. What do we do to make their existence worthwhile? We buy books and records!!! When will we accept that they were troubled, inherently sad, and that by our accepted standards of “manhood”, they were WEAK?
What do we say about men like Ted Turner, Pierre Péladeau, and Howard Hughes? What great businessmen they are / were. We also call them “eccentric” which is a nice way of saying they’re “crazy”, but since they’re “successful” (IE. Have lots of money), and aren’t a “burden”, we are right in doing nothing.
This afternoon I was walking along Davie St. in Vancouver, among the people there was this fellow who stood out in the crowd as he was saying out loud “people are so nice” in an aggressive and sarcastic way. He was basically saying the same thing I have thought for a long time (and am saying here!!!) but coming from “someone like him” it’s seen as rambling. The exact same thing said by someone with letters at the end of their name, or who has “succeeded” (by societies hegemonic masculine norms) would be welcome as a great new way of thinking, and a new way of explaining mental illness.
Fear is often given as justification for the ignorance of mental illness. If people are so “fearful” of mental illness, where did their strength and toughness go?
Don’t ask why depressed people don’t “snap out of it”
Ask what you can do to help them.
Depression is a very lonely existence. That’s way getting involved is so important.
People have said that I am purposely contrarian, but that’s not true. I just see the world differently.
The help currently available for Depressive men is definitely lacking. The only role “recovery” plays is getting a man back to “functionality” (IE. Work, pay his bills, and no longer be a burden). In other words, “Be like the rest of us (a consumer) and shut up”.
Despite (not because of) having gone through the hell of Depressive, I’m more interested in helping depressives than anything else.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Thoughts
Isolation is a commonly known symptom of depression. That’s precisely why non-depressives need to get involved (because part of depression is difficulty to socialize).
The verb “enable” is defined as “to make able; give power, means, competence, or ability to; authorize: This document will enable him to pass through the enemy lines unmolested.”
But when used to explain to behaviour of “helping” a person struggling with substance abuse or mental illness, it always has a negative connotation.
As we see in that definition, one can “enable” positively another. Why don’t we “enable” others to sobriety, health?
When thinking of “enabling” destructive behaviour, we usually think of it originating from the substance abuser / mentally ill person, as if they’re taking advantage of others.
What about when the substance abuser / mentally ill person is “enabled” by people who encourage their behaviour?
Since it’s easier to see in public figures or people of notoriety, and I know a lot about sports, I will athletes as examples. I will find it extremely hypocritical when men such as John Daly, Sean Avery, even Mike Tyson get better (or worse) and people will give the boring statements of “we always knew he could get better” or “it’s so sad, we should have seen the signs and done something.” Those are nothing but excuses to justify their inaction.
I don’t recall ever being helped in a truly altruistic way. Of course every person which has helped me along the way wanted me to get better, but the main goal of “helping” has always come off as selfish to me since the expected result is that I become “normal” (IE. Work, pay bills, fend for myself) which is precisely the type of life that depressed me.
I believe several people do not seek help for depression precisely because they feel (rightfully so) they will basically be taught / told how to be “normal” which is what makes them depressed to begin with.
The verb “enable” is defined as “to make able; give power, means, competence, or ability to; authorize: This document will enable him to pass through the enemy lines unmolested.”
But when used to explain to behaviour of “helping” a person struggling with substance abuse or mental illness, it always has a negative connotation.
As we see in that definition, one can “enable” positively another. Why don’t we “enable” others to sobriety, health?
When thinking of “enabling” destructive behaviour, we usually think of it originating from the substance abuser / mentally ill person, as if they’re taking advantage of others.
What about when the substance abuser / mentally ill person is “enabled” by people who encourage their behaviour?
Since it’s easier to see in public figures or people of notoriety, and I know a lot about sports, I will athletes as examples. I will find it extremely hypocritical when men such as John Daly, Sean Avery, even Mike Tyson get better (or worse) and people will give the boring statements of “we always knew he could get better” or “it’s so sad, we should have seen the signs and done something.” Those are nothing but excuses to justify their inaction.
I don’t recall ever being helped in a truly altruistic way. Of course every person which has helped me along the way wanted me to get better, but the main goal of “helping” has always come off as selfish to me since the expected result is that I become “normal” (IE. Work, pay bills, fend for myself) which is precisely the type of life that depressed me.
I believe several people do not seek help for depression precisely because they feel (rightfully so) they will basically be taught / told how to be “normal” which is what makes them depressed to begin with.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
More thoughts
Before calling a depressed person “courageous”, ask yourself ; What have you done to truly educate yourself about depression?
What have you ever done and what are you currently doing to concretely help someone with Depression?
People (still) seem surprised at military men who come back from combat with mental illness (Post-traumatic stress disorder / Depression).
We simply can not fathom the thought of our frontline defenders/protectors having mental “deficiencies”.
At it’s worse (and this is all too common in the USA), we watch them become hopeless, homeless, and even PREFER seeing them commit suicide than offer help.
The same is true of professional athletes (Sunday “warriors”). We love (even expect) them to “play through pain”, even if that pain is head trauma (concussion). Muhammad Ali’s Parkinson’s which was provoked by numerous blows to the head is “heroic” and “courageous” . Nice way of saying “We can’t admit that such a tough man’s mind can get injured.”, or admitting that our “entertainment” has disabled this man.
As for the whole “Men don’t talk about it” (generalization). Let’s ask ourselves “WHY don’t men talk about it?”. Is it just ego/vanity? If do, ALL men are vain egoists (generalization), including your brother, father, husband…
What if men are actually deeper than that?
What if we as a society, even a SPECIES, simply can not accept that our providers/protectors/defenders (can get) ill minds?
Mental illness gets the bad rap that “a large proportion of people prescribed psychiatric medication are non-compliant.” Studies have shown that non-compliance for blood pressure and diabetic medications are about the same as for psychiatric meds.
For those who like conspiracy theories, it could be argued that we don’t want people to take psychiatric medication and that’s why we talk so much about non-compliance.
What have you ever done and what are you currently doing to concretely help someone with Depression?
People (still) seem surprised at military men who come back from combat with mental illness (Post-traumatic stress disorder / Depression).
We simply can not fathom the thought of our frontline defenders/protectors having mental “deficiencies”.
At it’s worse (and this is all too common in the USA), we watch them become hopeless, homeless, and even PREFER seeing them commit suicide than offer help.
The same is true of professional athletes (Sunday “warriors”). We love (even expect) them to “play through pain”, even if that pain is head trauma (concussion). Muhammad Ali’s Parkinson’s which was provoked by numerous blows to the head is “heroic” and “courageous” . Nice way of saying “We can’t admit that such a tough man’s mind can get injured.”, or admitting that our “entertainment” has disabled this man.
As for the whole “Men don’t talk about it” (generalization). Let’s ask ourselves “WHY don’t men talk about it?”. Is it just ego/vanity? If do, ALL men are vain egoists (generalization), including your brother, father, husband…
What if men are actually deeper than that?
What if we as a society, even a SPECIES, simply can not accept that our providers/protectors/defenders (can get) ill minds?
Mental illness gets the bad rap that “a large proportion of people prescribed psychiatric medication are non-compliant.” Studies have shown that non-compliance for blood pressure and diabetic medications are about the same as for psychiatric meds.
For those who like conspiracy theories, it could be argued that we don’t want people to take psychiatric medication and that’s why we talk so much about non-compliance.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Random thoughts
Hearing people saying they wish others could live what they have because life has made them so happy is totally foreign to me. I don’t wish my life on anyone.
Yesterday was one of my worse days. I had images of how I could die; hanging, knifing, firearm, pills. I didn’t want to kill myself, but wanted to die.
I can no longer be afraid of how others (may) perceive or interpret me and my cause.
I’m still fascinated at how I can show (even feel!!) so positive with others when deep down I feel like shit.
The stigma about men with depression is cultural, social, and even biological. As a species we don’t want to know that the hunter/provider is emotionally distressed. Statistics show that men commit suicide 4 times more often than women. Nevertheless, there’s still a perception of male suicide as “courageous” (IE. “He knew he couldn’t go on”), even “romantic” in some cases (IE. Ernest Hemingway, hunter S. Thompson).
There’s also a huge element of de-responsabilising ourselves from others’ suicides. The whole “we didn’t know he was that bad” or “we’ve never had depression, we don’t know” indirectly PROMOTES suicide, because if others “don’t know”, well the solution seen by the depressive is what he’ll take.
As a society, we must accept responsibility for mental illness and suicide.
Statistics regarding depression are skewed because they are based on numbers of people diagnosed, but it is also known that men do not declare symptoms of depression (as of other ailments!!) as often as women. Lower diagnosis of depression in men can also be partly attributed to gender bias. Although the DSM-IV does not distinct depression in men from female depression, yet many medical professionals look for “more” symptoms before diagnosing men.
Yesterday was one of my worse days. I had images of how I could die; hanging, knifing, firearm, pills. I didn’t want to kill myself, but wanted to die.
I can no longer be afraid of how others (may) perceive or interpret me and my cause.
I’m still fascinated at how I can show (even feel!!) so positive with others when deep down I feel like shit.
The stigma about men with depression is cultural, social, and even biological. As a species we don’t want to know that the hunter/provider is emotionally distressed. Statistics show that men commit suicide 4 times more often than women. Nevertheless, there’s still a perception of male suicide as “courageous” (IE. “He knew he couldn’t go on”), even “romantic” in some cases (IE. Ernest Hemingway, hunter S. Thompson).
There’s also a huge element of de-responsabilising ourselves from others’ suicides. The whole “we didn’t know he was that bad” or “we’ve never had depression, we don’t know” indirectly PROMOTES suicide, because if others “don’t know”, well the solution seen by the depressive is what he’ll take.
As a society, we must accept responsibility for mental illness and suicide.
Statistics regarding depression are skewed because they are based on numbers of people diagnosed, but it is also known that men do not declare symptoms of depression (as of other ailments!!) as often as women. Lower diagnosis of depression in men can also be partly attributed to gender bias. Although the DSM-IV does not distinct depression in men from female depression, yet many medical professionals look for “more” symptoms before diagnosing men.
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