Don't tell me I'm smart, dumb, self-aware, ignorant...

A common misconception about depression is that people who have it, or at least while they're going through it are just not intelligent (even if for that period).

In some of my deepest moments of depression, I have been told "oh you're smarter than that". Because I had lost a job, broken a relationship, or just acted "strangely", I was simply "being stupid" or "acting out".

In one of my most recent deep depressive episodes, I was in a counselor's office and told her bluntly "don't tell me I'm smart or self-aware, because if I were so f***ing smart and self-aware, I wouldn't be here!!"

One of the beefs I've had with people's take on depression is that they ignore (purposely or not is debatable) the fact that depression is an illness just like diabetes and epilepsy. The conversation often turns to the person's intelligence, self-awareness, or laziness.

The person going through a depressive episode is not any dumber nor smarter than before, their self-awareness hasn't magically disappeared or appeared. They may have less energy, but they are not any lazier than they might have been previously.

Having suffered several depressive episodes of different magnitude, including one very recently, I'm not smarter now for having overcome it, just like I wasn't stupid while it was happening.

My intelligence, self-awareness, work ethic have nothing to do with my depression. My depression is an illness that can affect several aspects of my life which may lead to behaviours which are not smart, lead to actions I do not think out enough before doing, may sap energy from me. But that is the depression.

Do I have responsibility regarding those actions and behaviours, of course I do. The depression didn't act inappropriately, I did. So the responsibility lies on me.

But the responsibility of understanding what lead to those behaviours lies on the shoulders of everyone else.

Either we treat depressed people as sometimes intelligent and sometimes dumb, or we look ourselves in the mirror and recognize that ignorance is never intelligent.

I knew myself more than I thought

I written about this previously, but I still get reminders of how I really knew my beliefs and values, as well as what i truly wanted from life, but let other people influence may away from that.

I have been described as "idealistic", and in the past I would silently get angry at that label, thinking that if we want to achieve an ideal, we have to believe in it first. I also saw hypocrisy in that label as I'd think "how come people are so complimentary of people like Mother Teresa, Jean Vanier, Emmett Johns, yet when I "dream" of something, it's "unrealistic"".

I was also bothered by "secrets" (especially family secrets which were elephants in the room). For the longest time I believed things were not talked about on purpose, we practically just talked about the weather.

Venturing into a topic like "I have not been feeling well recently" was subtly discouraged; "you feel ok right now", "look at what you do have".... To me that sounded empty, avoidance.

I see now how that WAS avoidance, no malice intended, just that our society does not view talking about difficulties as a good thing. We are taught very young to "just talk about positive things", to "not bother others with your troubles, they have their own". Somehow ALL "troubles" are to be solved alone.

Coming back to the beginning of this post, I knew (subconsciously) that there was something wrong with the entire premise of "Just say positive things and keep your problems to yourself". At the time I wasn't versed enough to call it DENIAL.

In the same way, we are "proud" of a person AFTER they've achieved something, or recovered.

Why weren't we proud when they were trying to achieve, or sick and on they way to recovery?

Perhaps I'm unconventional, but I truly believe that education about mental illness involves talking about it, and getting involved (whether with a family member, friend, colleague...)

Avoidance of (talking about) the issue only confirms the long standing fallacy that mental illness is "bad" and unworthy of attention.