Don't ask what others can do....

Most of us have heard part of the JFK inauguration speech in which he said "Don't ask what your country can do for you, ask what you cn do for your country".

I would modify it somewhat and say "Don't ask what others can do for THEMSELVES, ask what you can do for them".

I say that in reference to the lame excuse which states that people "need to help themselves". What if someone can not help themselves? What if they have not been taught proper life skills? Is it their fault, the fault of their underwhelming education, or is it the fault of the society which tolerates this without doing anything about it?

If the person suffering depression doesn't have the energy to "help themselves", is it appropriate to expect them to "find it" (the energy)?

Is it the right thing to "tolerate" someone who's not helping themselves (to our liking of course!!), or are WE keeping everyone at a lower level of functioning?

I knew myself more than I thought

I written about this previously, but I still get reminders of how I really knew my beliefs and values, as well as what i truly wanted from life, but let other people influence may away from that.

I have been described as "idealistic", and in the past I would silently get angry at that label, thinking that if we want to achieve an ideal, we have to believe in it first. I also saw hypocrisy in that label as I'd think "how come people are so complimentary of people like Mother Teresa, Jean Vanier, Emmett Johns, yet when I "dream" of something, it's "unrealistic"".

I was also bothered by "secrets" (especially family secrets which were elephants in the room). For the longest time I believed things were not talked about on purpose, we practically just talked about the weather.

Venturing into a topic like "I have not been feeling well recently" was subtly discouraged; "you feel ok right now", "look at what you do have".... To me that sounded empty, avoidance.

I see now how that WAS avoidance, no malice intended, just that our society does not view talking about difficulties as a good thing. We are taught very young to "just talk about positive things", to "not bother others with your troubles, they have their own". Somehow ALL "troubles" are to be solved alone.

Coming back to the beginning of this post, I knew (subconsciously) that there was something wrong with the entire premise of "Just say positive things and keep your problems to yourself". At the time I wasn't versed enough to call it DENIAL.

In the same way, we are "proud" of a person AFTER they've achieved something, or recovered.

Why weren't we proud when they were trying to achieve, or sick and on they way to recovery?

Perhaps I'm unconventional, but I truly believe that education about mental illness involves talking about it, and getting involved (whether with a family member, friend, colleague...)

Avoidance of (talking about) the issue only confirms the long standing fallacy that mental illness is "bad" and unworthy of attention.

Am I better?

Having gone through the most painful recovery process of my life in the past 2.5 years has not (in my mind) made me a better person, but rather a more aware, honest, and humble person.

Obviously awareness, honesty, and humility are good qualities, but did I go from not having them to suddenly having them? I think not.

Being told I'm a "better" person is (in my view) telling me I wasn't a very good person in the past. Now, I have done things I'm not proud of, that were hurtful to others, but the whole "you're a better person now" idea comes off as patronizing to me.

It comes back to my main point about mental illness, depression, and how those who do not have it have a responsibility to educate themselves about it, and get involved.

While the (depressed / sick) person is ill is precisely when they need help and support.

Patting the back of those who have fought their way out of depression is lame, as it is too easy.

Lame excuses like "I don't know what to do", or "he'll just say no" (without trying), and then turning around and congratulating him when he's "better" is hypocritical at best, a blatant lie at worse.

Acceptance of these mediocre excuses reinforces the stigma of mental illness.

Go help your brother, cousin, or colleague who's been down in the dumps lately. The one who's been isolating. Give him a phone call, offer to go to coffee, a movie, golf, dinner, anything. He might say no (highly likely actually), but you know what, when he does get better HE WILL REMEMBER THAT YOU TRIED.