Medication

In Canada, antidepressant medication is the most prescribed medication, and for good reason....People are depressed.

The question I'd like to raise is whether antidepressant medications (SSRI's being the most common) truly help people live happier lives or if they help people be happy "enough".
My experience with SSRI's has been so-so, and not because of the medication itself (IE. It never made me exuberant, but I've also never had significant negative side effects).

The first time I was prescribed an antidepressant, I had no clue I was depressed, went to a walk in clinic and the doctor (seeing me for the first time and I was in the office maybe 10 minutes) prescribed "Fluoxetine". It sounded good that a medication good be prescribed, but when I got home (and yes, I should have done this at the doctor's office which I now diligently do) I looked up "Fluoxetine". It's Prozac.

The fact a doctor (who knew nothing about me or my previous history (medical or otherwise)) prescribed Prozac truly through me off. How dare he medicate me for depression when he knows nothing about me. Would he have sent me to chemo if I'd said I'd smoked for 10 years?

After a couple more prescriptions (Paxil and Effexor) which I took A) Reluctantly and B) With false hopes, I didn't get much better.

Back on Effexor I am much better, but I also had some talk therapy, group therapy, a better understanding of depression, and solid relationships in which I'm comfortable discussion my issues.

I believe I will be depressive my whole life, but not necessarily depressed.

Medication helps stabilize my mood and my functioning, but it's talking about it with therapists, family and friends, blogging, looking inwardly, and understanding myself that makes me happy.

How adapting and functioning are not enough

I recently completed reading a book which I purposely am not posting the title of since it can be interpreted as controversial and that in itself may influence people's opinion (positively or negatively). On practically every page I would go "that's exactly what I've always believed". I never sought a public platform per se, but even getting people to just listen (never mind understand or agree!!) has been excruciatingly difficult (IE. Impossible).

This reluctancy of others to listen has partially lead to a long-standing bout of chronic depression. I refer to this as my "existential depression".

Perhaps people don't want to hear me because it's not very "positive", maybe it's "too deep" for them, or maybe the truth of their own fallibility makes them uncomfortable.

Regardless, my pre-existing depressive condition has been magnified with this (perceived by me) lack of understanding / caring by others.

I control my condition through various ways such as medication, counselling, and educating myself about it, but there still seemed to be something missing.

Reading this book has helped me understand that I'm not "wrong" in my beliefs, just that they are not commonplace, and that most people are uncomfortable hearing such truths.

Reading is therapeutic. I have done hours of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which basically helps a person change their throught process. CBT has been extremely beneficial, but it strictly targets "How you think", not "What you think (and truly believe)".

It's very easy for me to think "I live in an industrialized country where corporations and money influence / decide how people (ought to) behave; therefore I simply need to adapt to that and I'll be "happy"".

My "problem", has been that I go further and say "but that is wrong, and if I "adapt" to (what I believe is) a wrong, that doesn't make me happy, it actually makes me feel worse".

The therapeutic part of reading (this particualr book) is that it confirms that I'm not "wrong" (nor alone) in my beliefs; that other people belief very similarly, in fact (some) get published and have public forums (IE. They fucntion).

Helping oneself or not doing it alone?

One of the biggest obstacles I've encountered during my years of depression and struggling trying to get better, is the commonly heard (mixed) message which tells the depressed person that on one hand they have to "Help Themselves", while at the same time "Don't Try Doing It On Your Own".

Well which is it?

As is with most things, both have some validity, and both have their limits. Some things the person will achieve on their own, others (accomplishments) with outside help.

The problem with telling someone they have to "Help Themselves" is that it literally leaves them out in the cold to do what (until now) they've not been very successful at(!)

Being specific about what they can do for/by themselves is key or they won't know where to start.

As for "Don't Try Doing It On Your Own", that is too often pseudo-sympathy. I was often told to "Not Try By Myself", but the same people who professed those words never offered help or even suggestions.

Unfortunately for those struggling with depression, our disease has often isolated us from others.

Ideally, you do have people close to you, who are trustworthy, caring, and courageous enough to help you through the struggles of the first steps out of depression.

For those who don't, and yes IT IS THE MAJORITY, there is hope. YOU have the courage and strength to make the first step ON YOUR OWN. Call your local mental health center, call or see a doctor, confide in a friend, read up on depression, write in a journal, go for a walk.

It may seem too simple, even useless at the time, but if you do something SPECIFICALLY TO COMBAT YOUR DEPRESSION, you are helping yourself.

Depression is never totally beaten, it always lurks in our minds and bodies. It takes weeks, months, usually years to get a grasp of how to cope with it, each one of us has unique ways of doing so.

So next time someone tells you you need to "Help Yourself", or to "Not Go At It Alone", take it for what it (probably) is; They sympathize, but are not interested in getting involved. And when someone offers help (even if it's just shooting the shit over a cup of coffee), accept graciously.

Maybe I am normal after all

a big part of my recovery has been to established what I wanted out of life. Professionally, relationship-wise, socially, economically.

At first glance, those things seemed boring to me. Just "get a job", "settle down", "raise a family", and.....well, die.

After months of fighting it, I have come to understand that work (as in contributing to societ) is an important part of a person's life. Not to mention that we spend 40+ hours a week at it. At the same time, a profession or vocation need not be a burden, and in fact can be fulfilling.

As for relationships, humans are a social animal for whom human interaction is not only important, but necessary. Relationships comport several different types; romantic, friendships, family (of origin as well as extended), colleagues...

When it comes to socio-economic status, that is one I still somewhat struggle with (albeit a lot less) because of the outdated class structure which still prevails.

I have though come to terms with what I want to do professionally (work in mental health), even though it will require years of schooling, the fact i have a specific goal that *I* set makes it all worthwhile.

Relationship wise, I've been blessed with a small, but incredible group of lovely friends, and the person who has had the most positive impact on my life ever, Jessica.

Socially and economically I'm doing much better than previously, but still not as good as others my age (for those who want to compare), but I don't worry about that any more. I'm not into comparisons, I'm happy and content with my life and where it's going.

Although my life seems somewhat "normal", is it so bad? I don't think so.

I knew myself more than I thought

I written about this previously, but I still get reminders of how I really knew my beliefs and values, as well as what i truly wanted from life, but let other people influence may away from that.

I have been described as "idealistic", and in the past I would silently get angry at that label, thinking that if we want to achieve an ideal, we have to believe in it first. I also saw hypocrisy in that label as I'd think "how come people are so complimentary of people like Mother Teresa, Jean Vanier, Emmett Johns, yet when I "dream" of something, it's "unrealistic"".

I was also bothered by "secrets" (especially family secrets which were elephants in the room). For the longest time I believed things were not talked about on purpose, we practically just talked about the weather.

Venturing into a topic like "I have not been feeling well recently" was subtly discouraged; "you feel ok right now", "look at what you do have".... To me that sounded empty, avoidance.

I see now how that WAS avoidance, no malice intended, just that our society does not view talking about difficulties as a good thing. We are taught very young to "just talk about positive things", to "not bother others with your troubles, they have their own". Somehow ALL "troubles" are to be solved alone.

Coming back to the beginning of this post, I knew (subconsciously) that there was something wrong with the entire premise of "Just say positive things and keep your problems to yourself". At the time I wasn't versed enough to call it DENIAL.

In the same way, we are "proud" of a person AFTER they've achieved something, or recovered.

Why weren't we proud when they were trying to achieve, or sick and on they way to recovery?

Perhaps I'm unconventional, but I truly believe that education about mental illness involves talking about it, and getting involved (whether with a family member, friend, colleague...)

Avoidance of (talking about) the issue only confirms the long standing fallacy that mental illness is "bad" and unworthy of attention.

Education and early detection

Article on CBC.ca http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2009/08/28/preschooler-depression.html

At first glance I felt sadness at children going through the most misunderstood and ridiculed disease in our (so-called advanced) society, but re-reading the article gives me hope that some people are looking for early signs of depression.

It is common knowledge that early detection of any disease is the best remedy. That the more educated one is about a disease, the better they will be prepared to fight it, and that same education is what will eradicate any stigmas.

There obviously remains a lot of work to be done, medically and socially (look at some of the ignorant posts on that story for example).

But seeing studies like this being published and reported is a step in the right direction. The results might be somewhat disconcerting, but it's reporting a problem we can learn more about, and tackle from a position of knowledge.

Am I better?

Having gone through the most painful recovery process of my life in the past 2.5 years has not (in my mind) made me a better person, but rather a more aware, honest, and humble person.

Obviously awareness, honesty, and humility are good qualities, but did I go from not having them to suddenly having them? I think not.

Being told I'm a "better" person is (in my view) telling me I wasn't a very good person in the past. Now, I have done things I'm not proud of, that were hurtful to others, but the whole "you're a better person now" idea comes off as patronizing to me.

It comes back to my main point about mental illness, depression, and how those who do not have it have a responsibility to educate themselves about it, and get involved.

While the (depressed / sick) person is ill is precisely when they need help and support.

Patting the back of those who have fought their way out of depression is lame, as it is too easy.

Lame excuses like "I don't know what to do", or "he'll just say no" (without trying), and then turning around and congratulating him when he's "better" is hypocritical at best, a blatant lie at worse.

Acceptance of these mediocre excuses reinforces the stigma of mental illness.

Go help your brother, cousin, or colleague who's been down in the dumps lately. The one who's been isolating. Give him a phone call, offer to go to coffee, a movie, golf, dinner, anything. He might say no (highly likely actually), but you know what, when he does get better HE WILL REMEMBER THAT YOU TRIED.

How much of your life is chosen?

We live in a society which emphasizes autonomy, independence, fending for one self. When a person finds themselves in a predicament, we often hear that they "made a wrong choice".

But how much choice do we truly have? Nobody chose to be born when and where they were. To the parents they had. We definitely do not chose our physiology, or how it operates. Our breathing, the blood flowing through our veins, the thousands of synapses in our brain every minute are not of our choosing.

Even large parts of our social lives are not chosen. We are a social species, we didn't chose that. We only have minimal choice in our friends. We live in such a neighbourhood through where and how our parents brought us up. We go to school because (although it is a positive thing) we pretty much have to (it could be argued that we "chose" education as a society). So we choose our friends within a limited sample.

Work wise, most people "choose" a job that happens to be available, one which offers benefits we like (choosing the benefits over the job!!), or one within our chosen profession, but we are still confined to the location, rules, and operating procedures of said job.

Would we say the person with diabetes, cancer or heart disease "chose" that? Of course not.

So in the same way, when we hear about or see a person with depression or another mental illness which perhaps incapacitates them to the point of living on the street, lets not flatter ourselves by seeing them as having made "poor choices", rather that they didn't have the opportunity to chose.

Do what you truly enjoy

I have often felt guilty of wanting to do (work wise) what I like. As if I was asking for some sort of privilege. Until recently, I have thought of a person's profession as nothing more than an obligation. Work - lodge, feed, clothe yourself - pay you bills. After that (whatever time is left), do what you enjoy.

As if wanting a metier which involves one's likes is being finicky.

I also believed that those who (allegedly) enjoy what they do are exceptions such as athletes and entertainers. That only prodigies can achieve this because of their exceptional talent(s).
That "average Joe Schmo" can only hope for potential fun/happiness during "off hours".

No wonder people are depressed. If all we have to look forward to is a potential 45 minutes of our favorite activity tomorrow (assuming all goes well at work, and bills are all paid up).

Fortunately, more people are seeing the correlation between working in a job one enjoys and improved mental health!!

Don't let false "obligations" (IE. Socio-economic status) get in the way of following your passions.

Better to live a more humble lifestyle and be healthy than rich and miserable.