a big part of my recovery has been to established what I wanted out of life. Professionally, relationship-wise, socially, economically.
At first glance, those things seemed boring to me. Just "get a job", "settle down", "raise a family", and.....well, die.
After months of fighting it, I have come to understand that work (as in contributing to societ) is an important part of a person's life. Not to mention that we spend 40+ hours a week at it. At the same time, a profession or vocation need not be a burden, and in fact can be fulfilling.
As for relationships, humans are a social animal for whom human interaction is not only important, but necessary. Relationships comport several different types; romantic, friendships, family (of origin as well as extended), colleagues...
When it comes to socio-economic status, that is one I still somewhat struggle with (albeit a lot less) because of the outdated class structure which still prevails.
I have though come to terms with what I want to do professionally (work in mental health), even though it will require years of schooling, the fact i have a specific goal that *I* set makes it all worthwhile.
Relationship wise, I've been blessed with a small, but incredible group of lovely friends, and the person who has had the most positive impact on my life ever, Jessica.
Socially and economically I'm doing much better than previously, but still not as good as others my age (for those who want to compare), but I don't worry about that any more. I'm not into comparisons, I'm happy and content with my life and where it's going.
Although my life seems somewhat "normal", is it so bad? I don't think so.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I've become the man I've always been
The past 12-18 months have been the most fulfilling in my entire adult life so far. As poetic as this sounds, it has not been a joyride.
After losing a job for the humpteenth time, breaking up friendships, lacking any direction and meaning in my life, I "decided" (brackets because the options were rather slim) to get help. Getting help for mental health issues in British Columbia in 2008-2009 is excruciatingly difficult. Considering the person is already crippled by mental illness, the hoops one has to jump through in order to get help (medical, therapeutic, counseling, financial...) are unacceptable. I'm digressing as I will elaborate on this at a later date.
As I (very slowly) got help for different aspects of my life (medical, counseling, career counseling...), one main theme kept coming back. Most of what I've always beliefs and values, as well as what I wanted were not only true and possible, but part of who I am.
I believed in wanting to make the world a better and fairer place, I believed that just because things "are" the way they are doesn't necessarily make it right. I valued helping those in need WHEN THEY ARE IN NEED (IE. Not congratulating them (indirectly ourselves retroactively). The less agreeable part of me believed people to be hypocritical by sharing/taking credit for successes, but never accepting any responsibility for failures. For purposely avoiding sensitive situations (IE. (Potential) Mental illness) on account of "lack of knowledge" yet having strong opinions on the same topics when not directly involved.
The greatest thing I have gotten in the past 18 months is my health, 2nd is Jessica, and thirdly I would have to say is myself!!
I've come not only to accept that my beliefs, values, goals, ambitions are part of who I am. Granted, I don't always do things the conventional way, I may be "a dreamer", that doesn't make it wrong (or right for that matter!!), it just is who I am, and I can now say that I LOVE that.
I've become the man I've always been.
After losing a job for the humpteenth time, breaking up friendships, lacking any direction and meaning in my life, I "decided" (brackets because the options were rather slim) to get help. Getting help for mental health issues in British Columbia in 2008-2009 is excruciatingly difficult. Considering the person is already crippled by mental illness, the hoops one has to jump through in order to get help (medical, therapeutic, counseling, financial...) are unacceptable. I'm digressing as I will elaborate on this at a later date.
As I (very slowly) got help for different aspects of my life (medical, counseling, career counseling...), one main theme kept coming back. Most of what I've always beliefs and values, as well as what I wanted were not only true and possible, but part of who I am.
I believed in wanting to make the world a better and fairer place, I believed that just because things "are" the way they are doesn't necessarily make it right. I valued helping those in need WHEN THEY ARE IN NEED (IE. Not congratulating them (indirectly ourselves retroactively). The less agreeable part of me believed people to be hypocritical by sharing/taking credit for successes, but never accepting any responsibility for failures. For purposely avoiding sensitive situations (IE. (Potential) Mental illness) on account of "lack of knowledge" yet having strong opinions on the same topics when not directly involved.
The greatest thing I have gotten in the past 18 months is my health, 2nd is Jessica, and thirdly I would have to say is myself!!
I've come not only to accept that my beliefs, values, goals, ambitions are part of who I am. Granted, I don't always do things the conventional way, I may be "a dreamer", that doesn't make it wrong (or right for that matter!!), it just is who I am, and I can now say that I LOVE that.
I've become the man I've always been.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I knew myself more than I thought
I written about this previously, but I still get reminders of how I really knew my beliefs and values, as well as what i truly wanted from life, but let other people influence may away from that.
I have been described as "idealistic", and in the past I would silently get angry at that label, thinking that if we want to achieve an ideal, we have to believe in it first. I also saw hypocrisy in that label as I'd think "how come people are so complimentary of people like Mother Teresa, Jean Vanier, Emmett Johns, yet when I "dream" of something, it's "unrealistic"".
I was also bothered by "secrets" (especially family secrets which were elephants in the room). For the longest time I believed things were not talked about on purpose, we practically just talked about the weather.
Venturing into a topic like "I have not been feeling well recently" was subtly discouraged; "you feel ok right now", "look at what you do have".... To me that sounded empty, avoidance.
I see now how that WAS avoidance, no malice intended, just that our society does not view talking about difficulties as a good thing. We are taught very young to "just talk about positive things", to "not bother others with your troubles, they have their own". Somehow ALL "troubles" are to be solved alone.
Coming back to the beginning of this post, I knew (subconsciously) that there was something wrong with the entire premise of "Just say positive things and keep your problems to yourself". At the time I wasn't versed enough to call it DENIAL.
In the same way, we are "proud" of a person AFTER they've achieved something, or recovered.
Why weren't we proud when they were trying to achieve, or sick and on they way to recovery?
Perhaps I'm unconventional, but I truly believe that education about mental illness involves talking about it, and getting involved (whether with a family member, friend, colleague...)
Avoidance of (talking about) the issue only confirms the long standing fallacy that mental illness is "bad" and unworthy of attention.
I have been described as "idealistic", and in the past I would silently get angry at that label, thinking that if we want to achieve an ideal, we have to believe in it first. I also saw hypocrisy in that label as I'd think "how come people are so complimentary of people like Mother Teresa, Jean Vanier, Emmett Johns, yet when I "dream" of something, it's "unrealistic"".
I was also bothered by "secrets" (especially family secrets which were elephants in the room). For the longest time I believed things were not talked about on purpose, we practically just talked about the weather.
Venturing into a topic like "I have not been feeling well recently" was subtly discouraged; "you feel ok right now", "look at what you do have".... To me that sounded empty, avoidance.
I see now how that WAS avoidance, no malice intended, just that our society does not view talking about difficulties as a good thing. We are taught very young to "just talk about positive things", to "not bother others with your troubles, they have their own". Somehow ALL "troubles" are to be solved alone.
Coming back to the beginning of this post, I knew (subconsciously) that there was something wrong with the entire premise of "Just say positive things and keep your problems to yourself". At the time I wasn't versed enough to call it DENIAL.
In the same way, we are "proud" of a person AFTER they've achieved something, or recovered.
Why weren't we proud when they were trying to achieve, or sick and on they way to recovery?
Perhaps I'm unconventional, but I truly believe that education about mental illness involves talking about it, and getting involved (whether with a family member, friend, colleague...)
Avoidance of (talking about) the issue only confirms the long standing fallacy that mental illness is "bad" and unworthy of attention.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Education and early detection
Article on CBC.ca http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2009/08/28/preschooler-depression.html
At first glance I felt sadness at children going through the most misunderstood and ridiculed disease in our (so-called advanced) society, but re-reading the article gives me hope that some people are looking for early signs of depression.
It is common knowledge that early detection of any disease is the best remedy. That the more educated one is about a disease, the better they will be prepared to fight it, and that same education is what will eradicate any stigmas.
There obviously remains a lot of work to be done, medically and socially (look at some of the ignorant posts on that story for example).
But seeing studies like this being published and reported is a step in the right direction. The results might be somewhat disconcerting, but it's reporting a problem we can learn more about, and tackle from a position of knowledge.
At first glance I felt sadness at children going through the most misunderstood and ridiculed disease in our (so-called advanced) society, but re-reading the article gives me hope that some people are looking for early signs of depression.
It is common knowledge that early detection of any disease is the best remedy. That the more educated one is about a disease, the better they will be prepared to fight it, and that same education is what will eradicate any stigmas.
There obviously remains a lot of work to be done, medically and socially (look at some of the ignorant posts on that story for example).
But seeing studies like this being published and reported is a step in the right direction. The results might be somewhat disconcerting, but it's reporting a problem we can learn more about, and tackle from a position of knowledge.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Am I better?
Having gone through the most painful recovery process of my life in the past 2.5 years has not (in my mind) made me a better person, but rather a more aware, honest, and humble person.
Obviously awareness, honesty, and humility are good qualities, but did I go from not having them to suddenly having them? I think not.
Being told I'm a "better" person is (in my view) telling me I wasn't a very good person in the past. Now, I have done things I'm not proud of, that were hurtful to others, but the whole "you're a better person now" idea comes off as patronizing to me.
It comes back to my main point about mental illness, depression, and how those who do not have it have a responsibility to educate themselves about it, and get involved.
While the (depressed / sick) person is ill is precisely when they need help and support.
Patting the back of those who have fought their way out of depression is lame, as it is too easy.
Lame excuses like "I don't know what to do", or "he'll just say no" (without trying), and then turning around and congratulating him when he's "better" is hypocritical at best, a blatant lie at worse.
Acceptance of these mediocre excuses reinforces the stigma of mental illness.
Go help your brother, cousin, or colleague who's been down in the dumps lately. The one who's been isolating. Give him a phone call, offer to go to coffee, a movie, golf, dinner, anything. He might say no (highly likely actually), but you know what, when he does get better HE WILL REMEMBER THAT YOU TRIED.
Obviously awareness, honesty, and humility are good qualities, but did I go from not having them to suddenly having them? I think not.
Being told I'm a "better" person is (in my view) telling me I wasn't a very good person in the past. Now, I have done things I'm not proud of, that were hurtful to others, but the whole "you're a better person now" idea comes off as patronizing to me.
It comes back to my main point about mental illness, depression, and how those who do not have it have a responsibility to educate themselves about it, and get involved.
While the (depressed / sick) person is ill is precisely when they need help and support.
Patting the back of those who have fought their way out of depression is lame, as it is too easy.
Lame excuses like "I don't know what to do", or "he'll just say no" (without trying), and then turning around and congratulating him when he's "better" is hypocritical at best, a blatant lie at worse.
Acceptance of these mediocre excuses reinforces the stigma of mental illness.
Go help your brother, cousin, or colleague who's been down in the dumps lately. The one who's been isolating. Give him a phone call, offer to go to coffee, a movie, golf, dinner, anything. He might say no (highly likely actually), but you know what, when he does get better HE WILL REMEMBER THAT YOU TRIED.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Maybe it is the destination after all
We often hear how life's "a journey, not a destination" (even Aerosmith used those lyrics!!), but if we see happiness as a destination, then the journey IS secondary.
People, groups, and organizations such as religions, political parties, even businesses do not promote their beliefs in order for people to be happier, or even better off. All they want is more membership, more promotion of their beliefs / ideas, and more goods or services being consumed.
They blind the public with the idea that by feeling better temporarily (during prayer, when in office, when consuming such a product...), it will lead to longer term happiness, but that never occurs (which, by the way, they knew all along!!)
They will also create a false impression of community, by pushing the idea of "Do like us, we're smart, popular, you want to be like us".
That last part is one of the biggest problems, most people DO NOT want to be LIKE others, we want our own uniqueness to shine. We all want and NEED to be with others, but remain unique within the group.
In order to achieve happiness, people take numerous different paths. Everything from social groups, religion, politics, activism...
The paths are infinite, the destination is unique.
People, groups, and organizations such as religions, political parties, even businesses do not promote their beliefs in order for people to be happier, or even better off. All they want is more membership, more promotion of their beliefs / ideas, and more goods or services being consumed.
They blind the public with the idea that by feeling better temporarily (during prayer, when in office, when consuming such a product...), it will lead to longer term happiness, but that never occurs (which, by the way, they knew all along!!)
They will also create a false impression of community, by pushing the idea of "Do like us, we're smart, popular, you want to be like us".
That last part is one of the biggest problems, most people DO NOT want to be LIKE others, we want our own uniqueness to shine. We all want and NEED to be with others, but remain unique within the group.
In order to achieve happiness, people take numerous different paths. Everything from social groups, religion, politics, activism...
The paths are infinite, the destination is unique.
Monday, August 17, 2009
How much of your life is chosen?
We live in a society which emphasizes autonomy, independence, fending for one self. When a person finds themselves in a predicament, we often hear that they "made a wrong choice".
But how much choice do we truly have? Nobody chose to be born when and where they were. To the parents they had. We definitely do not chose our physiology, or how it operates. Our breathing, the blood flowing through our veins, the thousands of synapses in our brain every minute are not of our choosing.
Even large parts of our social lives are not chosen. We are a social species, we didn't chose that. We only have minimal choice in our friends. We live in such a neighbourhood through where and how our parents brought us up. We go to school because (although it is a positive thing) we pretty much have to (it could be argued that we "chose" education as a society). So we choose our friends within a limited sample.
Work wise, most people "choose" a job that happens to be available, one which offers benefits we like (choosing the benefits over the job!!), or one within our chosen profession, but we are still confined to the location, rules, and operating procedures of said job.
Would we say the person with diabetes, cancer or heart disease "chose" that? Of course not.
So in the same way, when we hear about or see a person with depression or another mental illness which perhaps incapacitates them to the point of living on the street, lets not flatter ourselves by seeing them as having made "poor choices", rather that they didn't have the opportunity to chose.
But how much choice do we truly have? Nobody chose to be born when and where they were. To the parents they had. We definitely do not chose our physiology, or how it operates. Our breathing, the blood flowing through our veins, the thousands of synapses in our brain every minute are not of our choosing.
Even large parts of our social lives are not chosen. We are a social species, we didn't chose that. We only have minimal choice in our friends. We live in such a neighbourhood through where and how our parents brought us up. We go to school because (although it is a positive thing) we pretty much have to (it could be argued that we "chose" education as a society). So we choose our friends within a limited sample.
Work wise, most people "choose" a job that happens to be available, one which offers benefits we like (choosing the benefits over the job!!), or one within our chosen profession, but we are still confined to the location, rules, and operating procedures of said job.
Would we say the person with diabetes, cancer or heart disease "chose" that? Of course not.
So in the same way, when we hear about or see a person with depression or another mental illness which perhaps incapacitates them to the point of living on the street, lets not flatter ourselves by seeing them as having made "poor choices", rather that they didn't have the opportunity to chose.
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